Life

I'm usually a VERY optimistic person.  I can take trials and turn them upside down into learning experiences.  If someone tells me I can't...I will.  If someone says things could never get better, I find a way to make them even better.  I have huge wrinkles in my forehead from trying to smile all the time.  You get the picture.  It's in my nature.  I know it bugs a lot of people who just want to complain and look for the negative in the world.  "Wo is me."  Not in my vocabulary.

But not today.  It's been a hard day (and 10 days for that matter).  I've had horrible chest congestion, pain, and coughing fits like I've never had before.   I haven't felt like myself. It could be the medicine (Prednisone) I was prescribed.  The pharmacist told me "It will certainly put you on edge".  And it has.  Only, not in a mad or angry type of an edge but a "Wo is me" type of edge.  I cried and cried today after school for no real apparent reason other than a couple of sweet little first grade  journals I was reading.  Then when I got to my house, I had an overwhelming sense of loneliness.  I needed my boyfriend sitting in his chair working on his latest art piece, waiting for...me.  Why isn't he still here with me?  I need someone to vent to and to talk to about my day. I miss that daily tradition...more than usual.  And, I realized that it was only HIM that I wanted today.  Things only HE could listen to and understand.  Today there was no replacement for him.  So the tears have been my solace.

One of my fellow teachers asked me this today, "Did you go through those stages of grief after Terry died?"  My answer was that there is NO cycle.  The cycle doesn't exist...only pieces of that cycle that come along whenever they feel like it.  Randomly.  Ever so randomly.  Just when I think I've got the whole thing under control, it hits me and punches me in the throat.
I know that this giant lump in my throat will one day (most likely tomorrow) go away. The worst part is not knowing when it will lodge itself there again.