Michael Wilcox was a seminary teacher of mine about 35 years ago in Cardston, Alberta, Canada. He and his wife, Laurie, will forever be in my memory as major contributors in my life. I had initially picked up the book after noticing his name as the author. Then...as if by fate...realized that it was a book about the death of his Laurie. I found this book two weeks after losing my own sweet husband. Every word and thought he wrote, I had thought but could NOT write. It was truly a gift from my Heavenly Father for me. As I read, I felt "normal" in my grieving. I realized that some of my thoughts about my Terry, which I had initially thought were crazy and selfish, were not. Knowing that someone else felt like I did helped me find some peace.
If I am being honest on this blog (and I am), I will share my crazy/selfish thought by including a quote from this book. Every single word cut through me and I wondered how he could have known my very private thoughts. I have taken the liberty of substituting "he" for she and "Terry" for Laurie. His words could be mine if I were as gifted a writer as he. He wrote:
"I think all people who suffer the loss of a loved one, especially a spouse, pass through dark doubts; at least in the last months all I have talked to have expressed a similar uneasiness to a greater or lesser extent. In spite of temple covenants, in spite of faith in eternity, I cannot help but question if he will still want me. "He will!" I'm always told by those who knew us best, but black doubts when I am alone with my fears are not easily dismissed. Without him I can conceive of no lasting eternal happiness. If I cannot be with him it will not matter what God gives me--I will have missed heaven. Yet some assuring voice inside says it wouldn't have been love if it went away because of our weaknesses...
Yet there are times I cannot get beyond the fears of that "if". I could have done so many things so much better. Did I cherish him enough? Was I nourishing? However, I tell myself that God would not continue to let me hurt without healing if Terry were lost to me forever. No good God could possibly do that. He would begin to take him out of my heart. The fact that he remains locked within so tightly and that the ache continues at such a high level should tell me he is still mine and I his, and I need not worry. "No cause, no cause."
4 comments:
Aunt Tami, you are just so wonderful. I am so happy you and Terry were blessed to have so much joy together. He is amazing and so are you! You are loved and that love is eternal.
There is no doubt in my mind that your boyfriend is waiting for you and can't wait to spend eternity with you.
I love that our all-knowing, tender Heavenly Father knows just what we need to hear and when. <3
Now that, is what I call a tender mercy! Sometimes it just helps to have our feelings down in words- whether they are our own or from another who has been inspired.
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