1-1-11

I have thousands of things I could post about on this here blog. The problem is, the things that are eating away at my brain, emotions, and soul are just too personal for the WWW. I don't know why, but I don't feel like the real "me" lately. Maybe I'm just getting old. Maybe I'm missing my school kids. Maybe I miss having our children and grandchildren around. Most likely I'm just dissatisfied with ME.

Did you know that I was voted "Most likely to become a prophetess" in High School. I was also voted as "Most likely to marry a general authority". Say what? It's true that I used to be a spiritual giant. I followed every rule. I lived the way I knew I should and the way that made my parents proud of me. I earned my Young Women In Excellence award, thrice over if it had been possible. My mantra used to be "Lips that have touched Coke will never touch mine." (Insert your own hysterical laughing here)

Then, real life punched me full on in the face. Not only did I marry and divorce, but I was the ONLY member of my entire family to BE divorced. (Bruce came through for me in the end but, that's a different story...thanks Bruce for helping me carry the scarlet letter D on my forehead!) So the charmed/perfect life I had known that I'd have, pretty much crashed and burned.

Don't worry, I recognize that out of the ashes come many blessings: my extremely rock-solid husband Terry, my two beautiful daughters, my son-in-law, my four step-children and two steps-in-law, my eight gorgeous grandchildren and one grand daughter waiting in the wings, dogs, a profession I love, friends, etc. I have been given so much in this life.

Hence, my dilemma. Why do I feel so disconnected with my "blessed" self? I'm just not cutting it. I don't want this to turn into a "poor me" post nor do I want to go on much longer. Suffice it to say that I'm kind of struggling with myself lately. I'm sure it stems from the hundreds of pounds I've gained since my two surgeries (they really kicked my butt), the teacher's salary we try to live on, Terry's health issues and misfortunes that have come my way of late.

It takes everything I have to post this and to admit it even to myself. I feel disconnected from the spirit. I have not worked hard enough on my own spirituality. It's so easy to backslide. Excuses are easy to come by. The only thing that has remained constant is that I read my scriptures (1390 consecutive days) every day. I do teach Sunday School at The Cove Point. But, other than that, I'm not as strong as I used to be even two years ago. I NEED this reflection on my life. Though I will NEVER be a prophetess I CAN be a handmaiden (Luke 1:38). I just need a little motivation and a lot of self-reflection of which THIS post is a part. Thanks for reading...that is, if you made it this far.

I will be fine. I will rise out of this deep funk. Don't worry about me.

Sometimes when I run into a photo

from my childhood I ask as I look into my own eyes:

"Would you be disappointed in the me which you've become?"

Sometimes the answer I come up with is "No"

but this week it is "Probably".